Your Happy People Can Be Silently Sad

It’s no surprise to those who know me that I can be, most of the time, full of joy. A lot of times I hear from past acquaintances, new strangers, and long-time friends the following words:

” I love your energy!”

“You are just so happy!”

“You brighten the room when you walk in.”

And, I promise, this is not me bragging on myself. There are several people in the world who have this contagious energy they naturally exude. The first celebrity I could think of, as an example that everyone knows, is Robin Williams.

He brightened any one’s room when he was present. Even when thinking of him we easily smile – he was a comedian.

Sadly, in 2014, Robin Williams died by way of suicide.

I remember this event bringing light to an issue that was kept in the dark for some time – noticing the struggles of a individual, and potential signs of depression/disease/struggle, that exist outside of the outward facing appearance.

Many people saw this death as a surprise because Robin Williams rarely, if ever, showed signs of struggle to the outward facing public.

But, being who I am, I can closely relate to him, and what happened. I’m sure many of the happiest people in your life feel similarly.

Being labeled the “joyful,” “happy,” “brighten the room” person comes with a weight no one realizes.

The world can be a dark and dim place, and if we, the happy people, can bring some form of light into it, to show the world that light exists, then we are going to do just that. Especially as a follower of Christ.

And, if we struggle, we normally don’t expose it because many people rely on us to brighten even the darkest of days.

When Robin Williams died I was 20 years old. I was struggling with keeping up this happy façade when I wasn’t actually very happy. I wasn’t depressed or suicidal, at all, but I felt like I had to put my “happy” face on 24/7.

That’s when this very young children’s pastor came up to me, just a few days after the death of Robin Williams, and asked me, “Are you okay?”

My initial response was, “Of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

It’s not like I ever showed him my sad or struggling side!

He went on to explain that I appeared the same way as Robin Williams. I’m always happy and never truly exposing a sad or struggling side. He wanted to check on me, and make sure that I wasn’t secretly struggling with anything.

Let me tell you – I was taken aback. BUT, I also appreciated it so much because no one ever asked me if I was okay. I always supported every one else, loved on every one else, and cared for every one else that I never checked on MYSELF.

When that conversation ended I was moved to build relationships that I could trust and lean on for myself.

I wouldn’t put up this façade, but be real and broken in front of these selected people so that I wouldn’t fall victim to isolation.

Doing this completely changed how I opened up to my now husband, Bruce, and long-time friends. I have a place to be open with people, and to struggle without fear of judgment in front of them. I didn’t have to cry alone.

Today, at 26 years old, I am in a healthy place. I have friendships that are now coming up on their 8,9, and 10 year anniversaries. I struggle in front of Bruce and I’m honest when I’m feeling at my lowest.

I don’t hide any more.

And, in doing so, I’m even brighter and happier than I have ever been. It’s beautiful.

I’m telling you this story because, in the midst of this pandemic, many of your happy people can be secretly struggling. I want you to go out there and ask them, again and again and again and again, “are you okay?”

And if you are the happy person reading this then I want you to seek out those people you can trust, and expose how you feel. Let it out. It’s okay to be open and honest about where you are.

Take off that happy façade, that plastered face, and release yourself from the expectation of 24/7 happiness.
Because 24/7 happiness does not exist.

In the end, you’ll be glad you did.

In the end, I’d rather you be here on earth and not in the dirt.

Love,

Jennie Laureen

Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash

Success is not defined by your career.

Lies, Live

I have always been someone motivated and driven by my career results. I love the idea of working. I’m a bit of a workaholic, and I love it.

Nothing wrong with being a working woman. I’m very passionate about what I do.

However, there are times when my career doesn’t always go the way that I plan it to. Which isn’t a bad thing. We should always look for the learning opportunity where we are currently planted.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated by my career outcomes.

three women sitting beside table — Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

Success was once always defined by how well I performed at my job (or at school when that was applicable). If I was excelling and getting good remarks from my managers then I knew I was successful. Or, if I was handed a big project because there was so much trust for me to handle it, then I knew I was successful. Or, if I was consistently making A+ grades in all of my classes, then I knew I was successful.

But what about the times when life kicks you? When you realize that you aren’t performing at 1000% all the time. Let’s face it….you can’t run at 1000% 100% of the time. It’s exhausting and burn-out happens.

I’m not saying you should be lazy at your job – always give your full effort and attention – but what happens when we define our success in the moments where we can’t give 1000% because…..

You are facing a family tragedy.
You are struggling financially to pay your mortgage.
Your credit card bill keeps rising instead of shrinking
You just found out some terrible medical news.
You start doubting your ability to be a good wife (or husband).
Your kids aren’t living the life you taught them and are instead running away from it.
You doubt your ability to lead because of what everyone is telling you. You let them inside your head.
You are facing depression that you cannot pinpoint, and think it shouldn’t be this way.
Your manager isn’t giving you the opportunities you deserve to show your 1000% dedication.
etc etc etc…. and more.

It’s these small moments that seem to appear like mountains that frustrate our career. And the fact is – it WILL happen. At some point in our lives, one of the scenarios above (or others), will happen in our life.

sleeping woman in train at daytime — Photo by Abbie Bernet on Unsplash

Then we ask the question…am I successful? Turns out, in those moments, we typically say no.

Because our focus has shifted, but our attitude has not.

Basically, we are kicking our selves while we are already down on the ground. We are allowing ourselves to live a rollercoaster ride. When our career is successful then we are successful, but when our career isn’t successful then we are failures.

But, there is something we must know. Our attention, in these life moments, will shift from career-mode to survival-mode. Work will still be important to us, but in those moments we are trying to make it through.

Because of this, you may, at times, be distracted at work from these moments. You can’t tell me for those 8 -to 12 hours (shout out to the nurses) that you never once think about what’s going on at home or in your life.

(And this is where I tell managers to allow some grace to their staff who go through these life moments).

It’s a season. But, in this season we need to REDEFINE success. Especially for us workaholics.

I cannot allow my definition of success to come from my career. Some of it – sure – but not all of it. I don’t want to stay on that rollercoaster forever.

So, I’ve started making a list of things that I’ve accomplished that are outside of my career/school achievements. And, to be honest, life got a lot brighter because of it.

Some of the items on my list include:

I call my parents every day because I don’t live in the same town as them. I am proud of the relationship I have with them. I don’t ever want to get so caught up in life that I forget my rock – my family. One day they will pass away – I don’t want to regret “not pouring into” that relationship for the sake of my career focus.
I have been dating a wonderful and amazing man for over 8 years and we are about to get married. We have built a beautiful platform for open communication for both the good and bad discussions that I feel like we can lean on for a healthy stable marriage.
I ate well today. I had a full serving of vegetables and lean meats, and some fiber for fullness. I feel good today.
I was able to sleep ALL through the night and get the rest I needed to feel recharged.
I got to do the yoga I wanted to do in order to stretch out my muscles. My body deserved it.
I wrote on my blog today. My outlet for my love of writing.
I got to spend time with my close and personal friends last week and have a thousand laughs – my belly is full of happiness.

It’s these smaller, more human-like, accomplishments that we should shift our attitude towards. Our focus has shifted from career to life, but our attitude still defines success in a career even when our focus isn’t there anymore. We have to shift both.

three women sitting by the table having coffee and smiling — Photo by CoWomen on Unsplash

And even if our career is going well for us how can we ever forget the life accomplishments that we face?

We don’t live for our careers. It is a large part of our life and should gain our full attention and effort, but I can no longer base HOW I am doing in life FROM my career. There is much more to it than that.

40 hours (the typical work-week) out of 168 hours (a full week) is about 24% of our weekly schedule. 24% of our time is given to our career.

How can we forget about the other 76%?

Yes, I know that out of that 168 hours roughly 33% is sleeping, but getting a good night’s rest IS an accomplishment because it has to do with our health. And, there is still 43% that still matters. Almost half.

I want you to evaluate your life and measure what matters to you. Make a list. Then detail how you would define success in those areas.

It’s time we stop putting all of our “success” in our careers and start measuring the other 76%.

This to do 1. Own today printed frame beside teal headset — Photo by Emma Matthews on Unsplash

Cover Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Finding real adult friends seems almost impossible.

Love

Relationships are tough to build. They require persistence, connection, exposure and vulnerability. They require us to be more than a face and a person to hang out with – especially if our hope is to connect with someone so that we can bear our true selves. We want to be able to relate to one another on a deeper level.

But, the ability to build relationships gets harder the older we get.

I’ve been talking to some of my closest friends, who are between the ages of 20 and 27, and their greatest struggle is finding relationships of their own that result in the same deep connections they had with the friends they grew up with.

As we all know, we grow up and move away to new cities with new jobs, or to new opportunities. We still have those close relationships we built when we were younger, we don’t forget those, but we still need friends to lean on in this new place we plant ourselves.

The difference for making friends now is that we aren’t put in a situation where it’s easy to make friends. All throughout our school life, and college, we were surrounded by people that we saw almost every single day. We had no choice but to make the effort to get to know them and expose ourselves to them. We had the TIME to build and nurture those relationships.

Today, as an adult, I work all day. Everyone is doing their job and trying to get their part done. Relationships are cast aside and you are considered a singular part of a complicated machine. You keep moving and the machine keeps functioning.

We are planted in places where relationships aren’t considered important, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build them.

Not only that, but we forget that adults have gone through some nasty relationships.

Adult’s carry a weight of mistrust for people because of their past mishappenings. They don’t let people in as easily as they did in their youth.

If we want to be considered a friend then it’s our job to work on the relationship we desire to have. We make the effort.

We can’t hold expectations for the people we want to be friends with to make the effort themselves first.

We can’t just “show-up” in their lives and expect for them to automatically trust and love us. They have baggage and we must offer a shoulder to help them carry it. We won’t gain their trust unless we show what we are willing to give up or expose first.

I don’t ever believe that friendships should come easy. If friendships come in easily then they leave just as easily.

For relationships to truly matter then we must do our part. Text and call them first, ask to hang out first, tell your story first. AND, continue to do so until it’s consistent. Don’t do it one time – do it multiple times. It takes TIME and PERSISTENCE in order to show them that you care and are trying.

Adults don’t want to waste their time on a one-off relationship. Who wants to expose their deepest struggles and desires just for someone to leave tomorrow? Adults, like myself, are looking for stability in their relationships.

You must take the chance to be open and exposed if you want to find a relationship that is fulfilling. As humans, we need friendship and connection to survive.

Sadly, we live in a world where quick satisfaction of “likes” and “comments” are encouraged to satiate our hunger for more, but in the end, we will end up starved.

Get off your phone and into a booth and build that relationship from the ground up.

Jennie Laureen

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Stop living inside your head.

Lead, Live

I write not to attract followers. I write not to be confined to a specific routine or to add to my plate of duties. But, that’s what I did because I was told that there is a certain way to blog and to be successful that I must write a certain way, post on a routine, and follow the ideas of pop-culture.

I didn’t start this blog to fall into that category. I started this blog for me because writing was an outlet for the inner struggles that I face. My battle is speaking aloud to the circle of relationships I trust. I choke on the words I want to say. They are screaming in my ears, but never leave the threshold of my mouth to iterate my deepest struggles, needs, passions, and desires.

It’s like there is a rope dangling at the back of my throat and as soon as I get the courage to whisper a sound it lassos the words and forces it back down to my lungs, the oxygen I once had, catches, and I remain silent.

Don’t get me wrong – I am a joyful and loud individual. I love to smile and to laugh. I love to make people feel loved and encouraged. I give everything I have to everyone around me because people deserve someone who cares for them. I will talk your ear off.

But, people forget to realize that the happiest of people struggle too. It’s like there is a misperception that happy people have it all together. That their life is easy and without struggle.

The truth of the matter is – we support so many people and love on so many people that it’s hard for us to allow you to see our weak side because we are currently strong for you.

But then who do we rely on?

YOU. It’s the same people we support that we must learn to rely on. That it’s okay to expose our own worst enemy to those around us because keeping our pains on the inside will chew at your heart and darken your soul.

You’ll soon realize that being a strong and happy individual without exposing your sufferings will soon strip you of the ability to be an emotionally stable rock for those around you. You’ll soon realize that bringing joy will fade because you’re locked into your mental cage.

You can’t see past the inside of your skull, your eyes are hazed over, and you aren’t really in the room.

A word of advice to those who have a friend who has always been their rock, their mentor, and their shoulder to cry on. Just ask them how things are going. Look them in the eye, and ask them about life and help lead them into a conversation and environment where they can expose themselves.

I know how hard it is, and if it wasn’t for one of the most special people in my life – I would still be living inside my head most days and trying to be a rock for everyone else.

Because I have someone who I trust wholeheartedly – things don’t eat away at me like they use to. I am healthier and stronger in my mental state now more than I ever have.

Love,

Jennie Laureen

Photo by Vladislav Muslakov on Unsplash