Being Okay With Changing Friendships.

Lead, Love

Friendships evolve.

And that’s okay.

You know…everyone has a certain tolerance for change. Some people have a high tolerance for change while others have a low tolerance for change.

Regardless of that tolerance one thing is true – everyone is not 100% okay with all of the changes that happen in their life.

And most people are not comfortable with changing friendships.

I am one of those people.

I consider myself more inclined to develop interpersonal relationships via one-on-one interactions. I can be just about anyone’s friend, and be a part of the “crowd hype” at gatherings, but I cling to those friendships that are intentional because it requires sacrifice, commitment, and trust.

I will admit that it is hard for me to adjust to people who change, and to people who especially change their mind about the relationship we have.

Photo by Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash

But, over the last year, and being married to the most handsome and amazing man I have ever met, I have noticed that my current relationships have changed. They’ve changed quite a lot.

I’ve noticed that some friends have started pulling themselves away. I’ve noticed that some friends personalities have changed. I’ve noticed that I’ve developed new friendships and have grown deeper relationships with those who choose to stay.

People grow. People change. People don’t remain the same.

I’ve come to terms with it. As we all gain life experience, and overcome new challenges we are faced with, we will all eventually bring new perspectives, values, opinions, and beliefs to the table.

Because of that, not everyone in our current circle will be okay with the changes. Those who grow with you will stay while others who no longer wish to take part will fade away.

It’s a part of the process of growing up, and you never stop growing up.

I want you to know, just like I have come to know, that it is okay for your friendships to change. This means accepting your current friends for who they have grown into, or saying good bye to those who want to leave (even if they leave silently – you’ll notice – I promise).

The people who work just as hard as you in keeping your friendship alive are those you fight for. Don’t be worn down or weary by those who choose to walk away. It’s okay. They may not be meant for you in this season.

And, if you have friends who have changed because of things they have experienced then sit down and listen. Try to understand where they are coming from, and gain a new perspective on life. That’s how we all grow.

And, if you have developed some new friendships in this season then take the time to grow some roots. It’s okay to invest in new people (albeit a little scary), but they could be who you need right now.

Although change can be uncomfortable it can mostly be beneficial into growing us in to the women we are meant to become.

We are all doing life together. It’s truly a forest.

It’s full of twists and turns, dry seasons and wet seasons, good growth and bad growth, and most of all, people who help root us despite the ever changing climate.

There will be shallow planted people, and deep-rooted people you will encounter in life.

Take it in stride, grow from every encounter, and allow things to fall into place.

The last thing you want to do is to stay stuck in the “I wish things never changed.” Doing so will rob you the opportunity to truly connect with the people around you, and who are with you, right now.
Love,
Jennie Laureen

Finding real adult friends seems almost impossible.

Love

Relationships are tough to build. They require persistence, connection, exposure and vulnerability. They require us to be more than a face and a person to hang out with – especially if our hope is to connect with someone so that we can bear our true selves. We want to be able to relate to one another on a deeper level.

But, the ability to build relationships gets harder the older we get.

I’ve been talking to some of my closest friends, who are between the ages of 20 and 27, and their greatest struggle is finding relationships of their own that result in the same deep connections they had with the friends they grew up with.

As we all know, we grow up and move away to new cities with new jobs, or to new opportunities. We still have those close relationships we built when we were younger, we don’t forget those, but we still need friends to lean on in this new place we plant ourselves.

The difference for making friends now is that we aren’t put in a situation where it’s easy to make friends. All throughout our school life, and college, we were surrounded by people that we saw almost every single day. We had no choice but to make the effort to get to know them and expose ourselves to them. We had the TIME to build and nurture those relationships.

Today, as an adult, I work all day. Everyone is doing their job and trying to get their part done. Relationships are cast aside and you are considered a singular part of a complicated machine. You keep moving and the machine keeps functioning.

We are planted in places where relationships aren’t considered important, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build them.

Not only that, but we forget that adults have gone through some nasty relationships.

Adult’s carry a weight of mistrust for people because of their past mishappenings. They don’t let people in as easily as they did in their youth.

If we want to be considered a friend then it’s our job to work on the relationship we desire to have. We make the effort.

We can’t hold expectations for the people we want to be friends with to make the effort themselves first.

We can’t just “show-up” in their lives and expect for them to automatically trust and love us. They have baggage and we must offer a shoulder to help them carry it. We won’t gain their trust unless we show what we are willing to give up or expose first.

I don’t ever believe that friendships should come easy. If friendships come in easily then they leave just as easily.

For relationships to truly matter then we must do our part. Text and call them first, ask to hang out first, tell your story first. AND, continue to do so until it’s consistent. Don’t do it one time – do it multiple times. It takes TIME and PERSISTENCE in order to show them that you care and are trying.

Adults don’t want to waste their time on a one-off relationship. Who wants to expose their deepest struggles and desires just for someone to leave tomorrow? Adults, like myself, are looking for stability in their relationships.

You must take the chance to be open and exposed if you want to find a relationship that is fulfilling. As humans, we need friendship and connection to survive.

Sadly, we live in a world where quick satisfaction of “likes” and “comments” are encouraged to satiate our hunger for more, but in the end, we will end up starved.

Get off your phone and into a booth and build that relationship from the ground up.

Jennie Laureen

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You don’t need a best friend

Love

Have you ever noticed that a great deal of media portrays a well-known concept called “the best friend?” It seems that in our culture, we have an ideology dedicated to a “soulmate” friendship. I can name at least 8 films/shows that will swoon us to believe that this one friendship will provide us with happiness and meet all of our ultimate needs.

Jess & Milly (Miss you already) – Great movie…you will cry.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (Sherlock Holmes)

Tom & Jerry (Tom & Jerry)

Lucy Ricardo & Ethel Mertz (I Love Lucy)

Fred Flintsone & Barney Rubble (The Flintstones)

Bert & Ernie (Sesame Street)

Meredith Grey & Christina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy)

Dean Winchester & Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)

From kids shows to adult shows these movies portray this “best friend concept.” If you have a best friend…that’s fantastic! It is good to have this kind of stability, but on the flip side, we also need others in our life to give us the words of advice for our particular season.

It is hard for me to believe that we can have all of our needs met by 1 person. And that 1 person can fulfill all of my needs.

Life is full of events that bring about life-altering change. Life will alter our perception of the world, and we will grow into a new person through each season of life.

AND…you will come across a different person in these different seasons that God will place in your life to meet your current needs.

I can’t allow myself to find, or have only, 1 best friend that can possibly meet all of my needs for every season of life.

For instance: I work full-time, I am done with college, at the beginning of a career, and I am in a serious relationship. This part of my life calls for a friend who is in the same stage as I am. It also calls for various mentors who has either been in this stage, or is at this stage, and can provide advice. If I rely on one person for the rest of my life then they may give me “bad advice” because they can’t relate or haven’t been there.

Another instance: One amazing friend of mine who I have known for over 10 years is about to get married. I love her to death, but I do not expect her to come to me for marriage advice – I haven’t been there! I can’t tell her anything beneficial if I have never been in those shoes.

Another instance: A few of my friends are having babies. Again – I have never been pregnant, nor do I have a child. I cannot give the proper advice to the parents of these kids. I don’t have life experience to give them. That season, for me, has not yet come.

If we rely on one person for all of our needs we will eventually come to a point of resentment, disappointment, and lack of relational fulfillment.

God built us for relationship – and relationships change. Some friends will be close to you for years on end, and others will be there for you for just 1-2 seasons. And guess what? That’s okay!

We also can’t keep every single friend we come across for the rest of our life. You will eventually wear yourself tirelessly in an attempt to keep up with all of these friends. Some friends will want to stay…even though you know God has called you to let them go.

Yes – it’s hard and difficult to let those who want to stay go, but if you know God has called you out of that friendship (especially if it is unhealthy for you), then we must find a way for ourselves to move forward.

We need to come to an understanding of where we are in life, who we need in our life to meet our relational needs, and also ask God where He wants us to go in life so that He places the right people in our path to get us in that next season.

On my TimeHop, for April 4th, I posted over 7 years ago a status that says: “God determines who walks into your life….it’s up to you to decide who you will let “walk” away, and who you let “stay…” (crazy that, that is my TimeHop for TODAY! That just tells me I am meant to share this).

And I share this because God will provide us the people we need, but we also need to have discernment as to who we need to let walk away and who we need to let stay…

Because, we as humans, let our fear of change hinder us. We will allow the wrong people to stay in our life, and also let the right people leave it.

I once had a best friend when I was kid. She was incredibly awesome at the time. Later, she moved away, and we attempted to keep up with each other. Well, that didn’t work out. I eventually moved on and made new friends. We now live completely separate lives and we are in completely different seasons. I would have never expected her to be the one person for the rest of my life. I had to let go in order to find new people who would meet my current needs.

It’s important to learn when it is time to let go, or when it is time to keep. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in a moot point where you no longer grow. As Preston Stack puts it, “when a hermit grows it must shift it’s shell or it will die.” I know you won’t die (that’s extreme), but you will need to shift in order to grow because your old relationships will not match your new season if they aren’t growing at the same rate, or on the same path as you are.

I would love to hear your thoughts! Comment below, or send me a message!

Jennie Laureen

Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash