Precursor: If this article makes you squirm then please stop reading. I write to help women (or men, if this is a topic you can relate to) in shoes similar to mine. If this bothers you then please know that this article wasn’t meant for you. ❤
Okay, so this article took a lot for me to write. I was straight crying while trying to form the words I needed to say. Words that I needed to express out loud because I knew they were important to me, but also because I learned an internal lesson that I wanted to share.
Sharing about sex can be….awkward…but I don’t personally care because it shouldn’t be a topic that I should not feel comfortable talking about or expressing myself on. I mean…I am married…and I CAN have sex (great sex)…so let’s talk about it.
I think most people probably remember my “Sex is Bad” article (click here). It was an article written from an internal struggle I had faced about sex.
You see…I had remained a virgin for so long because I wanted to give that to my future husband. And my husband was patient, even after 9 years of dating. He honored my decision. Now…don’t get me wrong! We struggled and had several arguments over the “waiting game” because it got harder the longer we waited for physical intimacy. But, he still did his best to honor it.
Well, it’s now August 2019 and my husband and I are 2 months into our marriage. We are fresh off the aisle! And, let me tell you something, I was so excited to go to bed the night of our wedding. I was ready to end the reception early because “I was tired.”
I totally wasn’t.
The first few weeks of marriage were blissful. I was the happiest I had ever been. It was magnificent, beautiful, and life was fun with the added extra activity!
Then, about a month later, it started looking different. And I am not talking about the general wonderfulness part of marriage. Marriage is so fantastic – I LOVE coming home to my husband: cooking together, cuddling together, working out together, and just being together! I’m actually referencing the sex part of marriage.
After about a month I had started to develop insecurities about myself during sex.
I stopped pursuing my husband because I didn’t feel beautiful any more. I started noticing the extra cushion on my tummy and arms, and all I wanted to do was hide it. Turn the lights off, stay under the covers, shove his arm here so he doesn’t put his arm at the place i’m trying to hide.
I started staying in my head and focusing on hiding myself during sex that I couldn’t enjoy sex like I did before. And because of that it would take me an hour or more to finally peak. THEN THAT STARTED BOTHERING ME, because it bothered my husband – making him feel bad.
It caused me so much anxiety that I was nervous to go home because I thought to myself “well, what if he wanted to have fun tonight? I don’t know if I can even perform, and I really don’t want to disappoint him again.” I was pre-framing myself for a bad time.
Guys…I even looked forward to my period because I knew I could go to bed knowing sex wasn’t going to happen, and I could just relax with my husband.
But I knew, and felt, like I was seriously disappointing him. So, I tried to make up for it by doing things around the house, doing more work, finding an amazing job, and providing as best as I could just so I could impress him and make him happy again.
And that even crushed me. Because if I did something wrong, and he wasn’t happy, I really took it to heart because I was trying. I was trying so hard, and it made me feel like I was failing in every aspect of my life.
My literal internal thought was “I suck at sex, I suck at providing, I suck at making my husband happy. I can’t do anything. He could easily find someone better – i’m not worth it.”
I have heard so many stories from women who face the same problem. I never thought once I would be in their shoes, and yet, here I am. It’s an actual issue that women face. And, yes, the crazy thoughts come that are so irrational you believe you are crazy for having them. They just aren’t voiced aloud.
I know you have them…even if you don’t want to admit it. I’m only admitting it because you aren’t the only one.
Regardless…today is different.
Today, I am writing this article because I realize how ridiculous all of that stuff above sounds. It’s insane for me to think that I am “less than” because I decided (all by myself) that I was an awful person – and it all came from a simple insecurity during sex.
And I am not saying it’s all butterflies and dandelions now. This is a process. I have to love myself, and support myself, by talking to Christ and thinking positive thoughts throughout the day.
I have to love every aspect of myself when I am exposed to the person I trust the most, and continue to remind myself of that every day. I can trust and be exposed to my husband with no judgment from him.
Because the bottom line is this………………….he loves me.
If I am not comfortable with someone I wholly trust then how can I ever be 100% comfortable with my other friendships, and develop those lasting bonds we all so desperately need in life?
Today, I will love myself. Today, I will ask for what I want and pre-frame tonight as a night to have a good time. He doesn’t care that I have a little extra cushion. Instead of me looking at it like “it’s a bad thing to have” I should reinforce positive thoughts and say “well…it’s something for him to grab.”
Sex is beautiful. Just as God created it to be. I am beautiful because I am the daughter of a king.
It’s MY job to pre-frame sex the way it was meant to be. it’s MY job to enforce positive thoughts into my life. It’s MY job to see myself as a beautiful daughter of the king.
It’s MY job to enjoy sex and be with my husband IN the moment and NOT in my head.
I waited too long for me to go through this. Today – this stops. It may take me a little while to be 100% there and okay, but I am going to get there.
All day today I have been reinforcing positive thinking. Reading scripture on how I was wonderfully and beautifully made. I have been pre-framing all day.
You should do the same.
Because of that……I literally cannot wait to get home to my husband. ❤
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash