Needs

Set boundaries for your family if you want a rewarding relationship with your significant other.

Love

It took me time to realize what was causing me so much stress and strain over the holidays and in general life settings. It wasn’t until I had a startling conversation with my significant other that helped me open my eyes to how much of a hold certain people had in how I made my decisions.

There are people in our lives that mean more to us than life itself. You would give up what was your last, you would love until your last breath, and you would sacrifice yourself to ensure their safety. To me, this represents my family.

We all have some form of family – whether through blood, marriage, real or imaginary adoption. These are your forever people. They will stick around until death parts you. These people deserve attention, love, praise, admiration, etc. They create the make-up of who we ultimately are and eventually become.

I love my family.

But, as I look at the future I want to create and the dream I envision in my head that I want to be a reality, my steps don’t align with the steps my family wants me to take.

My family has molded me, in many ways, to who I am. I also have my friends, my church, and my education that have molded me in other ways that I also give credit to. I am a Robinson, but I am also Jennie. A different person from the rest of my family just like they are all different from myself and each other.

We all have varying ethical standards and models of behavior that we follow based on our personal life experiences. We clash because it doesn’t always align.

This holiday season, the time of year where we spend a significant amount of time with our family, I realized that I have to start setting boundaries to prepare for the future I want to see. I really value creating a sustainable, loving, and fair relationship that communicates and listens to each other. I value this above many things!

My significant other, the amazing Bruce Hayes, is someone I have been with for over 7 years. Yes – I will marry him and I literally can not wait! We have had a million conversations about the marriage we want to create. We have seen the successes and pitfalls of other couples and we know what we want to have and what we want to avoid.

This year, and every year, we have spent the majority of our days with my family: Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, New Years Day.  Every holiday is centered on my side of the family. The woman’s side.

My dad has said on a handful of occasions that he doesn’t feel appreciated. Father’s day is not a big day we celebrate, his birthday isn’t made into a grande ordeal, and we hardly make a significant effort about visiting his side of the family even though we love them equally.

 

The point is, I made every effort this year to please my family. Every time they wailed about me not spending time with them I caved and satisfied their needs. Therefore, I spent Christmas Eve, most of Christmas, and I will be spending New Year’s Eve and New Years with them.

One of my sister’s said to me: “You aren’t even engaged. Family should come first.”

Sure…there is a lot of truth to that statement, but what am I creating in our relationship NOW by allowing this?

Marriage doesn’t change how you act as a couple – it’s what you build prior to that, that will determine how your marriage will be.

I never want Bruce to feel like I don’t care about his side of the family. I don’t ever want Bruce to feel insignificant because we don’t celebrate Fathers’ day with as much enthusiasm and excitement as Mother’s day!

Bruce has told me on several occasions that he can’t wait to be a dad, and he wants to be a great one!! I want to take that time to build appreciation into our relationship and care just as much about his wants and needs during the holidays and every other celebration.

I want to build a marriage that is fair and loving. Where we listen to each other’s needs/wants so we can grow together. We will change as people as we age and experience life. I need/want to build a foundation that can support the changes.

I know my family wants me for the entire holiday, and that makes me feel SO good to be loved and wanted. But Bruce’s family wants him there too, and they also want to see me, because we are building a future together.

I need to set boundaries for my family – when to say yes to their wants so I can spend time with them, and when to say no to their wants so that I can meet Bruce’s needs.

What are you building in your relationship now to prepare for the future you two envision?

Love,

Jennie Laureen

 

 

 

Photo by Raphael Mittendorfer on Unsplash

Mindless praying isn’t praying.

Jennie's Snippets, Live

How many of us have just PRAYED so diligently for something to happen whether it be big or small? Yep.

I can even remember times where I prayed over and over again for something that I THOUGHT I wanted. For instance, I prayed that God would just open doors (so generic – right?). I had no idea what door, but I wanted A door, any door to open. At the time, I got laid off so I wanted some form of a future ready for me. I know I prayed that prayer well over 50 times every day for weeks on end.

I look back and I laugh at myself because it got answered – just not in the proportion I wanted it to happen, or the way I wanted it to happen.

Sometimes when we pray we have this image of what our answered prayer will look like in our head. But, who says God is going to make your prayer look like the one in your head?

Because the outcome can be so different than what we pictured, and we end up believing that our prayer really wasn’t answered and that God isn’t really listening.

Other times we feel that God answered too many prayers and we can’t handle the change in our life fast enough.

And yet, in other instances, we feel that God didn’t answer a prayer at all because He answered it in a form unrecognizable to us.

But let me tell you something. God hears every word you speak because he made your voice unique to your soul so that he can specifically tune into your words and listen to your cries.

But many times we pray without the end in mind. We are “meal-minded” (thank you Pastor Steven Furtick). We pray and hope for the “next thing” that doesn’t really fill us up, rather than our calling/purpose.

It’s like we pray for toys. When we were kids, at Christmas, we would ask for the best toy on the market. I really wanted baking kits and stuffed animals. And each year the toys kept piling up. By the time I decided to move out of my parent’s house I had so much JUNK. I was lost in a sea of items I didn’t need. I had to shuffle through everything to decide what I wanted to keep – not much of it BTW.

BUT, what if I asked mom early on in life for things I would NEED when I got older? What if, I asked for a savings account to make moving out easier? What if, I asked for pots and pans at 15, a couch at 16, and cleaning supplies at 17? I wouldn’t have junk – I would have what I NEEDED. I would be thinking of the “end” in mind.

Rather than standing in a flood – I’d be floating down the river because I would be smart enough to ask for a boat.

Good thing our God knows our needs. But when we pray let’s be honest about our prayers and not just “pray to pray,” or to pray for the next best thing we think we need. Let’s pray with purpose.

Jennie Laureen

 

 

 

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash